The Wicked Wax Witch

Since the day I started caring about the way I looked I have hated Salons. I know most women love the salon. Not me. I hate salons because for the most part the women that work there are mean, superficial, over-make-uped (not a word) little witches. I know just working at a salon doesn't make you a horrible person and I must exclude the girl who currently cuts my hair and Tim's sister.

I'm a natural kinda girl. I've come to accept the way I look and honestly I've come to a healthy self esteem where I think I look pretty good. Not so fast declare the people at salons. I always need to lighten my hair, darken my eyebrows, exfoliate my face, wax my upper lip and much more private areas. The not so subtle hint in their voice is, "You don't look very good and you would look a lot better if you allowed me to do xyz." I'm not totally anti-beauty treaments. I just like the result to look as natural as possible.

Now that you have the background I can vent about my latest trip to the salon. The truth is kids I have a uni-brow. It's not Sesame Street Bert but I do like my brows waxed regularly. There's a salon just down the street that can get me in whenever and there is a waxer that is really good and she uses hard wax so it's a ton less painful. For these reason I put up with Christy, the Wicked Wax Witch. Because of Tim's work schedule it has been awhile since I've been in. So sue me ok? The first thing Christy did was scold me for letting it go so long and comment on how crappy my tweezing job looks. I nicely informed her that I have three kids and a husband working a lot and so I don't get in as often as I would like. She suggests me bringing in the kids. Um yeah. I laughed right out loud and told her she wouldn't want my three kids in her little waxing room. She helpfully told me that I just need to make waxing a part of my routine. Routine lady? My routine is to make it through each day and not yell at my kids and help them become productive human beings. Sorry that waxing my eyebrows is not done as often as she would like. I not so nicely changed the subject and paint me purple and call me a grape if she didn't change it back to the lack of my eyebrow beauty. Telling me, not nicely, that my eyebrows are too light at the ends and that, "I really need to tint them darker." I'm sorry but you need oxygen not eyebrow tinting. So after she had expounded on how much better I would look she told me that I would not need to wear make-up if I would just let her tint my eyebrows and eyelashes. She then told perhaps the world's biggest lie when she said, "That's what I do. I tint my eyebrows and eyelashes and I don't wear any make-up except tinted moisturizer." I guess I've missed all the other people who were born with blue eyeliner and jet black chunky clumpy eyelashes. By this time I had told her twice that I wasn't interested in any tinting and she just kept talking. So I stopped talking and was seething inwardly. I couldn't say half the stuff that I was thinking because the last thing you want to do is tick off the person who is applying hot wax to your face.

At the end she said, "Are you on your way to work out?" Which I took to mean one of two things. She either meant, "I hope you are going to work out and that is why you are dressed in stretch pants and sneakers with no socks." or "You look fit so you must work out." I was hoping for the later because I had Claire 8 months ago and you know what they say about 9 months to put on the weight and 9 months off. I couldn't have been more wrong. Thankfully I said, "I'm not going to work out, why?" To which she replied, "Oh, your red and I wanted to put some make-up on you if you were going to be seen at the gym." I told her through gritted teeth I was just heading home and that only my kids were going to see me. She actually had the gall to say, "Well kids are so honest." Can you say VAIN!!!! By the time I left I was ready to explode!!

Do people like her ever stop to think for one split second as they are listing all my beauty flaws that perhaps I don't think they look good? That maybe I think the two inch stripes of blond hair amidst obviously black hair looks terrible and trashy. Or that it makes my eyes water to look at their eyes because I can't even see their pupil through the mass of mascara caked on. Oh but I forgot she doesn't wear make-up she was just born that way. Or that the backless shirt that has black lace over a black bra looks like you just stepped off the Vegas strip...the old one? Oh no, it's me who needs work. And in case there is any doubt about what work I need she is more than willing to tell me.