An Ill-Fitting Sweater

You know after you have a baby how you go through this truly horrible stage when none of your old clothes fit and all your maternity clothes drown you. Some days you try just wearing the maternity pants with a cute top and then you have all these obvious bunches and sagging. You re-arrange your shirt/pants to try and make it look better. You look in the mirror....convinced that your body has betrayed you and that you'll never look normal again. Give it 6 months and a little hard work and you look just fine right? Ok, maybe 16 months.

That's how my life feels right now. Like an ill-fitting sweater. I see some things out of balance in my life so I pull on the right sleeve only to have the left sleeve way too short. The neckline droops in the front so I adjust it backward only to find out that my back is now cold because too much skin is showing and isn't a sweater supposed to keep you warm anyway?

I don't mean to be so cryptic it's just that sometimes I think in these visual ways and really they confuse even me. I'm plagued with self doubt. I can hardly pick out ornaments for my tree without second guessing myself. How many should I get? Could I get them cheaper somewhere else? Do I really need more or do I just want more? This is my internal dialogue and frankly it annoys me. Where has that confident girl gone who could conduct a meeting and have everyone listen? Where is that girl that could stand up to her boss and tell her with full confidence that she was wrong and win the boss's respect? Where is the girl that won debates and people were fighting to be in her study group?

I feel like every step I take or everything I say or every thought I have is wrong somehow. It's like trying to walk on a water bed. Every step feels shaky. I have so many things I want to do better but no matter how hard I try I always come up short. It's really not like me at all. I just read through this post to proof read it and I'm coming full circle thinking that just like your "normal, pre-baby" clothes eventually fit so will my life.

Thankful

With Thanksgiving Dinner now a fading memory and about a foot of snow out my window and a fabulous (if I do say so myself) Christmas tree upstairs; it feels weird to write my Thanksgiving/Gratitude post. I've gone back and forth about writing about what has gone on with Tim's health the last few months but since I use this blog as a journal I decided to finally write about it so I could remember.

Why does it always take something serious to really appreciate the people in our lives? In September, Tim went in for a routine physical that I scheduled for him. (annoyed that I had to!) I had felt like he should see a doctor for a while and when he finally went he called me and told me that his blood work was screwy. Then he told me that he was anemic....I thought, yea you and millions of pregnant women...not a big deal. As he explained to me more what the blood work showed and that it wasn't an iron deficiency and that his white blood cells and platelets were low as well I really became concerned. His primary care physician referred us to an oncologist and in the meantime Tim started getting really sick. He suffered weakness, shortness of breath, fevers and mind numbing fatigue. I started to get really worried when I found out that Tim was trying to hide how sick he really felt. I reasoned it must be bad it he doesn't want me to know. I was so sick with worry and the more time his spent in his bed the more I came to fully appreciate how much I needed him and depended on him.


The weeks that followed are some of the most stressful and wonderful weeks of my life. Going to an Oncologist is like the big league of doctor visits. Everyone talks to you in a compassionate way and they try to dispel your freak out session with soft words and no sudden movements. The nurse practitioner joked that she never says anything looks fine....always use words like normal. Tim and I just clasped each other's hands and kept saying I can't believe we are here. The oncologist told us that Tim's blood work looked bad and that to rule out the possibility of leukemia, Tim would need to have a bone marrow biopsy. While we knew the actual procedure, while painful, is not a big deal it was like awaiting a death sentence. He had his first one in a hospital and it took a lot of time to have it done. It had to be done in their MRI department and while I was sitting in the hospital room they called a code blue in MRI. Which any TV show tells you is a cardiac arrest. I knew it was being called on my Timmy! I've never prayed so hard in all my life. I felt physically ill and lightheaded. When the nurse brought Tim back in about 10 million hours later I discovered that the pain meds had made Tim's already low blood pressure drop and that they had called a code blue on him but it wasn't a cardiac arrest or even needed. It was a scare of a life-time. He looked so pale and small when she brought him back and I felt like my very young and vibrant husband was disappearing before my eyes. Then we waited for the results and yea the hospital screwed up and didn't take enough marrow.

He had his second bone marrow biopsy in the doctor's office and I was allowed to watch as long as I stayed seated. She said that was the policy because she couldn't leave Tim to help me if I passed out. I thought, Oh lady...chill....I'm fine with blood but I did as I was told and about half way through I was so glad that was the policy! I think I'm beginning to understand how hard it must be for our sweet husbands to watch us give birth. I'm not a squeamish person but I could not stand the sight of his precious blood in the huge syringe and I would have traded places with him when I heard him holding his breath in pain while she stuck him repeatedly with the world's largest needle. By this time Tim was starting to feel better overall. He had more strength and no more fevers and I was starting to feel really hopeful. The oncologist called a few days later and said he did not have Leukemia and I've never felt more joy in all my life. My happiness was as intense as the stress and worry and almost as numbing. They will be monitoring Tim's blood over the next couple of months to see what it does. When Tim went for his follow-up last week the oncologist told Tim how impressed he was that we were so calm on our first visit. (really fooled that sucker because I was anything but calm) He also told Tim how worried he was about him on that first visit and that he really thought that Tim had Leukemia in the beginning. Just thinking that makes me weepy again.

From this experience I've learned not to take for granted the little things. I'm thankful every time I see Tim carry Claire up the stairs and he doesn't get wheezy or hold onto something to steady himself. I'm thankful every time he chases the kids down the hall and I hear him laughing. I'm thankful that his skin doesn't look sickly anymore. I'm thankful that he can shovel the driveway. I'm thankful when Gage says that Tim is his best friend. He is certainly mine.

I believe in miracles and I believe we got one. I'm so thankful for our family and friends who prayed for us, gave priesthood blessings, and gave us support. How do you even go about thanking the Lord for the life of one of the people you love the most? But then I think, shouldn't I have already been doing that....every day?

Halloween

Halloween celebrations began on Thursday this year when Luke had a preschool parade that was so cute. They walked up the street in front of his teacher's house playing musical instruments. It was adorable. Luke could not decide on a costume and he kept saying I'd see what he was. That doesn't exactly work because I kinda need to know so I can buy/make the costume. On the day of the parade I took him to the dress-up closet and gave him the choices. He chose a wonderful Jedi costume that Tim's mom made for Gage a couple of years ago.

Gage's parade was not as awesome and it broke my heart. All the boys in his class are into Ninjas and so is Gage. So we got the Ninja costume. I was sensing a real fitting in moment for him. Gage loves costumes as this blog can verify. I lovingly packed his bag with the costume to change into at school. When I got to the parade this is what I saw....

...When I should have seen this....

It turns out that the boy that is standing in front of him, at the parade, got into Gage's backpack and stole his ninja mask and wore it under his own mask. Gage was so sad that he didn't have his mask and it kinda ruined the parade for him. I felt sick about it. I threw it down with his teacher and I felt like she and the principal handled it well. But it was a lost moment.

It was just an off year for us. The kids look forward each year to trick or treating at Tim's work and this year we had to miss it because Tim was having a bone marrow biopsy. Halloween was celebrated, in these parts, on Saturday and about the time the kids were getting excited to head out trick or treating it started to rain and rain and then pour. The rain stopped about an hour later and the kids were able to go around the neighborhood. It is fun how many people trick or treat in this neighborhood. There was a steady stream of kids on the sidewalk. I loved it! Claire didn't quite catch on to trick or treating. She refused to put candy in her bucket and wanted to carry it in each hand. It limited the amount of candy she got. I did hear a lot of "ohhh's" and "ahhh's."

On Sunday my sister, who loves all things Halloween, had us over for a Halloween dinner. The Halloween Hag also came and left presents for the kids. The kids had a great time and so did I!

Aunts and Uncles

Last month, my brothers and sister flew into town for my Grandma's funeral. It was a lot of fun to see my siblings. The only thing better would have been if their spouses and kids came too. I caught a few pictures of Claire getting what she wants from the Aunts and Uncles. It looks like they are sufficiently wrapped wouldn't you say?

Nate, I didn't get a pic of you holding Claire although I know she sat on your lap for a long time. I did, however, find the nice picture you took of the inside of your nose. Very creative.

Looking at these pictures makes me want to curse our modern lifestyle that makes these moments so far a few between.

Thanks For Everything

Luke woke up not feeling well this morning. It was hard for me to determine what was wrong but I could definitely tell he didn't feel well. Luke doesn't make a whole lot of sense when he talks and it went from his ankle hurt to the front of his head to his stomach. On the way home from dropping off Gage at school he started crying and say, "Oh why did this happen to me?" It was really quite pitiful. Poor laddie. I looked in the backseat and he had thrown-up all over. By the time we got home he was still crying and questioning the universe about why our stomach's rebel against us. I got him and the backseat all cleaned up and out of the shower and I was putting lotion on him and he was saying again that he didn't know why he did that. I said, "Honey, it's ok. We got you all cleaned up and you get to stay in your P.J.s all day and watch movies." He thought that sounded pretty good and then he said so sincerely, "Thanks mom....for everything." He is so endearing when he does things like that. He is so sweet that it makes my heart hurt. My mom was cleaning out some old pictures and she had one of Luke that I had taken when he was less than 2 months old and it literally hurt to look at it. I just want him to stay my sweet baby forever. Luke says he can't do that because he is going to grow really big and be super duper strong.

I'm Frazzeled

I'm sitting here in my p.j.'s and my hair is sticking out of my pony tail and I can't believe that it is 1:30 in the afternoon and I still look and smell like this. I woke up late this morning and that never bodes well for the chances of a shower. Since I awakened I have been running from one Claire mess to the next. I was going to say that my boys were never as mischievous as her but we'd both know that was a lie. What the boys did have in their favor was that our house was roughly the size of a shoe box, when they were at this stage, and I was usually within striking distance when I saw trouble arise. In this house that is impossible and once one mess is cleaned up she has created, one, two, sometimes three more. I know this will all be funny in 10 years so I'm going to record it like it's funny right now. Here is the sequence of naughty events just in the last 5 hours.

• First, the wrestling match that is getting her dressed. Lots of screaming, arching of backs and a thin sheen of sweat on my brow. (possibly contributing to my odor)

• Claire has mastered the stairs so after I got Luke dressed she was missing and I went down stairs to find her cheeks looking rather full. I put my hand under her mouth and said, "spit 'em out!" Six Lego helmets with a spittle of spit came out one at a time. Not until I said, "all of them." did she spit out the seventh.

• It was at this point that I realized the bow that I had fought tooth and nail was out of her hair only to be found later in the trash can.

• By this time I tried locking her upstairs while I put in a load of laundry. When I started up the stairs I saw that she had the last tampon in a once full box that had fallen prey to her inspection. They really can't taste that good. But to Claire they must taste like eclairs because it was a box of 36 and they are gone.

• I was hungry at this point and I was trying to shove the last apple slice, that didn't make it into Tim or Gage's lunch, into my mouth when I looked over and saw that Claire was simultaneously blue, red, and yellow around her mouth. I ran over and found that she was holding 4 gigantic gumballs in her hands. This time I skipped asking her to spit them out and resorted to the mouth sweep and was rewarded with 5 gum balls and a gagging sound. These gumballs were a prized possession of Luke's that he only just received last night at our family Halloween party. Luke frantically searched for a lone survivor....the purple gum ball...to no avail.

• I wanted to get something into the crock pot for dinner and I thought it was best to put Claire in the high chair. She doesn't much like the high chair. First I had to chase her down amidst her screams and yelling, "no!" before I finally got her anywhere near the high chair. She is the master of locking her knees and arching her back when I'm trying to force her into the high chair. I finally won the struggle and once she knows she is stuck is as happy as a clam.

• After I got dinner in I went downstairs to switch the laundry. While I was doing that I heard something hit the floor above me. This time as I was heading up the stairs I realized that Claire has figured out how the boys get around the gate at the top of the stairs and that 3/4 of her body was through the slates in the banister. I caught her in the nick of time. I later discovered the thud was from her bow jar that she had managed to pull off her dresser and scattered every bow, clip and elastic around her already messy room.

• I attempted some damage control at this point and got out puzzles for Luke. He nearly had one finished when the human wrecking machine came and scattered the pieces at which point Luke declared, "Claire ruins everything." I uncharitably agreed.

I'm tried just thinking about it. 3:00 will be here before I know it. I better get a shower.

I Heart The Fall

Is there anything more beautiful than the fall leaves? Is there anything more beautiful than a picture that makes you hear children's laughter? I don't think there is.

Dreaming of Disney

I was eating lunch today and looking out my patio doors and admiring the beautiful view when it hit me that the mountain I can see out my window looks like the Matterhorn at Disney. I really want to find myself in Disneyland soon. For now this picture will have to do.