Dear Mom,

You've been gone for 6 months today. I don't cry as much as I used to, but I still cry at the weirdest times, just wishing you were there. I called your cell phone last week and it wasn't until I heard the operator say that the number was no longer in service that I realized what I had done. The kids have been rascals this summer and I'm sure that I'm screwing them up. I really needed your advice - I think that is why I called.

Claire says she misses you every day. Doesn't she seem too young to remember, let alone articulate that? She likes to look at the picture of you on my night stand. It was taken at her baby blessing and I'm holding her; you and I have our arms around each other's waist. You would not believe how well she can talk. The doctor says her head is fine. She did a summersault for the first time on Sunday and I worried about her balancing on her head with her soft spot still open. I know you would say Pam's was big and open for a long time too and look how smart she is. I know Claire will be fine.

Gage can't wait for school to start. You know how he is. It's a constant challenge to keep his mind engaged. Can you believe he is starting 2nd grade? He reads at a 4th grade level. You were right about putting him into kindergarten on time. He mouthed off to me for the first time last week, and I'm still trying to decide if he meant to. He is sweet by nature. He worries about Dad missing you. He hesitates to say your name or bring you up and it sort of breaks my heart.

Luke has had a rough time. He faithfully searches for you everytime we visit Dad. He says it's too long to have to wait to see you again. He can't seem to figure it out. When I went to Girls Camp this summer he told me he thought I had died. It's like he is waiting for the next bad thing to happen. I don't know how to help him and the person I know would have the answer is you!

After your funeral, Tim declared he was done crying and he has stayed true to that until a couple of weeks ago. He said he was thinking about that talk you gave him when we thought he had cancer. His eyes got misty and he said how much he missed you. He was sick again this summer. I'm sure that's what made him think of your little talk. It turns out he has a thyroid problem. Who knew? I can live with that.

The other night one of my young women was complaining about her mom to me. I told her that her mom does the best she knows how to do and that kids don't come with an instruction manual. I laughed to myself thinking about all the times you said that to me growing up. I do that a lot. Sound like you, I mean. It makes me feel like you would be proud of me. I'm giving people the benefit of the doubt all the time - it's disgusting actually! Ha ha.

When I'm missing you I focus on how strongly the feeling came to me, after your funeral, that you are so happy where you are. I know you are enjoying being with your mom and dad, but I also know you are busy teaching the gospel. I'm thankful you and dad married each other in the Temple and I'm sealed to you. It is nice to know that I'm just a little link in a great big family. Thank you for teaching me about Jesus Christ. I miss hearing your testimony of his love and mercy. I'm trying to teach my kids the same. How nice it must be for you to get up without your hip or your back or your liver hurting. I'm so happy for you, but I agree with Luke that it sure seems like a long time to have to wait until I will see you again.

Love,
Jess

Bless His Heart

Luke has a fear of water.  He hates getting water in his face when he bathes and the swimming pool is no exception.  This year his fear has bordered almost on phobia.  Gage has taken swimming lessons all summer, but I put Luke into the last session hoping that he would get bored watching all the other kids and when it finally got to be his time that he would be excited.  Ok, that didn't work.  Nevertheless, he has been in swimming lessons the last two weeks.  Today, was the dreaded day.  The last day.  The "isn't it fun to jump off the diving board and go down the water slide day!" 

Every day Luke has had a "stomach ache" before swimming lessons.  Today, he was very convincing that he actually had one.  Heck, he was wound so tight he probably did have one.  Once we got to the pool he was literally jumping up and down with anxiety.  It really breaks my heart to see him that way.  He has had so much emotional distress since my mom died that is just made me teary eyed to see him upset....again.  I shook it off though and gave myself a pep talk, "Keep it together Jessica.  Kids can smell hesitation."  The music from Rocky played in the background.

I calmly took him up the stairs to wait our turn to go down the slide.  He got more and more upset while we waited.  Then a kid from his class went down and got turned around on the slide so he was heading head first.  There was a look of sheer terror on his face as he made the turn by us.  Luke stopped crying long enough to say to me, "That was no good!"  I agreed.  We went back down the stairs in utter defeat.

Now onto the diving board.  I had every intention of not making him go, but I started to get nervous that if I didn't force him this fear would just grow and I reasoned that he had been off the diving board before.  So, I pumped myself up for the wait again.  No sudden movements, no eye contact, no harsh words.  See Luke, everything is happy and calm.  Oh, except you.  You are still jumping up and down.  I whispered, "It's okay to be afraid." 

And then as fate would have it.  The same kid who got turned around on the slide was in front of us.  As I side note I should tell you this is a rotten child.  He pulled the teacher's hair and pestered the kids in his class for the last two weeks.  To be truthful, when I saw him looking scared on the slide I thought it couldn't have happened to a better kid.  His mom is clueless.  Back to my story.  So, clueless mom has the life guard force her boy off and when he comes up his face is full of fury and his voice is dripping with venom and he yells to his mom, "I hate you!  I don't even like you."  Clueless mom says, "Oh, you'll thank me one day."

At this point I'm starting to get cold feet.  What if Luke comes up hating me?  Should I really force him?  I had this internal debate for what felt like 5 minutes but really only a split second had passed.  I brushed the life guard aside.  I'll do my own dirty work.  The walk never seemed so long on the blue diving board.  All the while I'm telling Luke it's okay to be afraid and that I'll help him.  I tell him his teacher will catch him.  I grab him by the shoulders.  For one crazy second I think he is going to pull me in with him and then I launch him.  He goes completely under the water but.....comes up smiling.  Luke gets over to the edge and I help him up and he says,

"Mom I was scared."

I say, "I know you were buddy but you did it!"

Luke comes in for a tight hug and says,

"Mom, thanks for helping me learn."

I tell ya it was one of those moments that makes it all worth it.  What a kid.