Where's Mom?

Dear Mom,

Today on KSL I watched a video of a missionary coming home.  He was at the airport hugging all his family and his mom was late and the missionary kept looking around and asking everyone, "Where's Mom?"  The video had a happy ending because he spotted his mom across the airport and took off running and gave her a big hug.  To be honest, the hug lasted a little too long, but as I was watching it I thought how the phrase, "Where's Mom?"  kinda sums up my last 2 years.  I feel like at every event in my life or the kid's life, big or small, I look around and think, "Where's Mom?"

I was at the Dollar Store today buying things for the cub scouts and this old grandma was ahead of me in line and she had a stack of birthday cards 4 inches thick.  As the cashier was ringing it up she boasted about how she had 37 Grandchildren and 30 Great Grandchildren and all she could afford to send was a card to each.  Then in a very cheeky way she said, "Isn't it nice of me to do that for all my Grandchildren?"  All of us in line got a good laugh.  I couldn't help but think about your mom and how Grandma sent me cards and how I still have every single one.  I love to pull them out and read them.  She always has a "ha ha" written somewhere on it.  I felt so homesick somehow and worried how the kids don't have any cards from you to pull out and read when they want to remember you.  I also thought how unfair it is that you'll never get to boast about how many Great Grandchildren you have.  Can you believe Nate and Sarah had another one?!?
 
When I'm over at the school for some school performances and I see women sitting with their mothers and how they both light up when they see their kid I feel so sad inside.  I'm always mesmerized by them and watch what they do and say.  And then Gage, Luke, or Claire come back to just me and I feel so small and insignificant like a string flapping that was once attached to a beautiful sweater.  It would be nice if Tim could ever come with me but I that's a whole other subject!  Once, during one of Gage's performances, I sat by a Grandma who I've seen quite a few times and she could tell that Luke was having a hard time seeing and since Claire was on my lap she asked Luke to come stand in front of her.  I looked over in appreciation and I noticed her hands patting his sides and her hands looked soft and wrinkled and she even had a wonky pinkie finger just like yours and I started to cry thinking how those hands should have been yours patting Luke's cute behind.

Tim's has a co-worker whose wife's mother was just diagnosed with liver cancer and he asks Tim to ask me for advice for his wife and all I keep saying is, "Don't wait to say anything.  Make sure you say it everyday!"  I guess that's the best gift I was given at your death.  The desire to say what I want today. 

Love,
Jess

P.S.  I find it weird that I can't erase your name and number from my cell phone's contacts list.  I saw it today as I was searching for another number.  Mom....Paulettte.  Just seeing your name made me cry.  A lot of "mom" stuff happened today...weird 



       

One Goal Accomplished

I have wanted to learn to the play the piano ever since I gave it up when I was 12 years old.  In May of last year I decided I was worth the investment so I started taking lessons twice a month from the sweetest lady!  It certainly hasn't come as fast as I remember it coming when I was a kid but I'm much better at actually practicing and I actually like it now.  In October, my teacher gave me the piece she had selected for me to play in the recital.  Hold the phone!   A recital?  That I'm expected to play at?  The answer was, "If you want me to be your teacher you will play in the recital."  Where I come from that's called blackmail. 

So when she played the piece through for me I thought she was certifiably insane.  At that point I had only taken 12 total lessons.  I was still playing with my right hand and then my left and then maybe back to the right hand.  This piece had two hands going together throughout.  I freaked.  Janet (my teacher) encouraged.  I have played the piece probably at least 2000 times from October to now. 

Wednesday was the recital.  Thankfully I was at the beginning of the recital and I only had to sit through 3 other students before it was my turn.  Scratch that, 2 students, because the woman that was placed before me got up and left the room right before she was supposed to play because her nerves got the better of her.  That didn't exactly calm me down.  Two things that stressed me as much as playing my piece were that I had to introduce myself and the piece I would play and Janet threatened me with my life if I left the stage before people were done clapping. 

So my turn came.  I went up on stage and I think I introduced myself and then my hands started shaking so bad I felt like I couldn't unfold my music.  Then I started to play.  The whole thing is a total blur.  I think I played the whole piece.  I made mistakes only because my hands shook so much that I shaked onto the key next to the one I was playing.  Then it was over!  And people clapped and I stood there with a pasted on grin as long as I could stand it and I found Janet's face in the crowd and looked at her saying, "Is this enough.  Can I flee?"  She ever so slightly nodded and I got the heck outta there! 

Before the recital was over I saw 3 of my kids, from Primary, play better than me, one woman cried, and one very talented 70 year old professional drumist totally choked on his piano piece and was not able to finish.  I was so thankful I was near the beginning.  I could not have taken the pressure.    

Luke is Six

Last week, Luke turned Six Years Old.  Do not even ask me where the time went.  We had a birthday party with his friends at Classic Fun Center.  His friend, from school, that he was hoping so much would come RSVP'd the day before and he was thrilled.  The other person who he was dying to have come was Gage.  So Gage got to leave school early and come.  He was so helpful at helping me keep track of all the other kids and Claire got to have a girly day with Grandma! 
 

Luke loves the show on PBS, Wild Kratts and he has randomly been quoting animal facts all over the place.  Sometimes to complete strangers, "What is the fastest land animal?"  "How fast can a Paragin Falcon dive?"  "Which is more territorial a black rhino or a white rhino?"  I now know the answer to these burning questions.  So in honor of this latest obsession I made a animal birthday cake.  (Luke doesn't like cake so they are donuts.)  He received tubes of small plastic animals and a rhino cage and he was so content and happy.  Classic Fun Center has a Jungle climbing thing so it went perfect with my "theme"

I still think of him as my little chubby baby and now he is a kid who knows that in Africa more people are killed by Hippos than any other animal.  Luke is so much fun.  So sweet.  So forgiving.  So loving.  Love you loads my buddy!

 

 

 

Sigh, Sniffle, Tear.   

Sarge Update: Offically Part of the Family

The kids warmed up to Sarge and it seems the more they like him the more I'm bugged by him.  Tim asked if I regretted getting him and I said, "No."  That, for the record, is a total and complete lie.  I'm a jumble of emotion because I love him at the same dang time. 

I knew this dog was ours forever when I said to the kids, after he had destroyed one of their toys, that I thought we should give Sarge to someone else.  Luke cried so bitterly and said that he was a part of our family now and that just like I still love him (Luke) after he does something naughty that I had to do the same with Sarge.  Then Gage chimed in and said, "See a child is your teacher!"  Those boys!!!

This is actually Huge for Gage who has been scared of dogs before Sarge. 

 

So I'm stuck with the four-legged biting and destroying machine.....forever!  Love you Sarge!  

I don't have any pictures with Claire and Sarge because her petting technique is really close to choking the life out Sarge and it always seems to end with him scratching her face....always below her right eye.  Weird.