Where's Mom?

Dear Mom,

Today on KSL I watched a video of a missionary coming home.  He was at the airport hugging all his family and his mom was late and the missionary kept looking around and asking everyone, "Where's Mom?"  The video had a happy ending because he spotted his mom across the airport and took off running and gave her a big hug.  To be honest, the hug lasted a little too long, but as I was watching it I thought how the phrase, "Where's Mom?"  kinda sums up my last 2 years.  I feel like at every event in my life or the kid's life, big or small, I look around and think, "Where's Mom?"

I was at the Dollar Store today buying things for the cub scouts and this old grandma was ahead of me in line and she had a stack of birthday cards 4 inches thick.  As the cashier was ringing it up she boasted about how she had 37 Grandchildren and 30 Great Grandchildren and all she could afford to send was a card to each.  Then in a very cheeky way she said, "Isn't it nice of me to do that for all my Grandchildren?"  All of us in line got a good laugh.  I couldn't help but think about your mom and how Grandma sent me cards and how I still have every single one.  I love to pull them out and read them.  She always has a "ha ha" written somewhere on it.  I felt so homesick somehow and worried how the kids don't have any cards from you to pull out and read when they want to remember you.  I also thought how unfair it is that you'll never get to boast about how many Great Grandchildren you have.  Can you believe Nate and Sarah had another one?!?
 
When I'm over at the school for some school performances and I see women sitting with their mothers and how they both light up when they see their kid I feel so sad inside.  I'm always mesmerized by them and watch what they do and say.  And then Gage, Luke, or Claire come back to just me and I feel so small and insignificant like a string flapping that was once attached to a beautiful sweater.  It would be nice if Tim could ever come with me but I that's a whole other subject!  Once, during one of Gage's performances, I sat by a Grandma who I've seen quite a few times and she could tell that Luke was having a hard time seeing and since Claire was on my lap she asked Luke to come stand in front of her.  I looked over in appreciation and I noticed her hands patting his sides and her hands looked soft and wrinkled and she even had a wonky pinkie finger just like yours and I started to cry thinking how those hands should have been yours patting Luke's cute behind.

Tim's has a co-worker whose wife's mother was just diagnosed with liver cancer and he asks Tim to ask me for advice for his wife and all I keep saying is, "Don't wait to say anything.  Make sure you say it everyday!"  I guess that's the best gift I was given at your death.  The desire to say what I want today. 

Love,
Jess

P.S.  I find it weird that I can't erase your name and number from my cell phone's contacts list.  I saw it today as I was searching for another number.  Mom....Paulettte.  Just seeing your name made me cry.  A lot of "mom" stuff happened today...weird