Dear Mom,

You've been gone for 6 months today. I don't cry as much as I used to, but I still cry at the weirdest times, just wishing you were there. I called your cell phone last week and it wasn't until I heard the operator say that the number was no longer in service that I realized what I had done. The kids have been rascals this summer and I'm sure that I'm screwing them up. I really needed your advice - I think that is why I called.

Claire says she misses you every day. Doesn't she seem too young to remember, let alone articulate that? She likes to look at the picture of you on my night stand. It was taken at her baby blessing and I'm holding her; you and I have our arms around each other's waist. You would not believe how well she can talk. The doctor says her head is fine. She did a summersault for the first time on Sunday and I worried about her balancing on her head with her soft spot still open. I know you would say Pam's was big and open for a long time too and look how smart she is. I know Claire will be fine.

Gage can't wait for school to start. You know how he is. It's a constant challenge to keep his mind engaged. Can you believe he is starting 2nd grade? He reads at a 4th grade level. You were right about putting him into kindergarten on time. He mouthed off to me for the first time last week, and I'm still trying to decide if he meant to. He is sweet by nature. He worries about Dad missing you. He hesitates to say your name or bring you up and it sort of breaks my heart.

Luke has had a rough time. He faithfully searches for you everytime we visit Dad. He says it's too long to have to wait to see you again. He can't seem to figure it out. When I went to Girls Camp this summer he told me he thought I had died. It's like he is waiting for the next bad thing to happen. I don't know how to help him and the person I know would have the answer is you!

After your funeral, Tim declared he was done crying and he has stayed true to that until a couple of weeks ago. He said he was thinking about that talk you gave him when we thought he had cancer. His eyes got misty and he said how much he missed you. He was sick again this summer. I'm sure that's what made him think of your little talk. It turns out he has a thyroid problem. Who knew? I can live with that.

The other night one of my young women was complaining about her mom to me. I told her that her mom does the best she knows how to do and that kids don't come with an instruction manual. I laughed to myself thinking about all the times you said that to me growing up. I do that a lot. Sound like you, I mean. It makes me feel like you would be proud of me. I'm giving people the benefit of the doubt all the time - it's disgusting actually! Ha ha.

When I'm missing you I focus on how strongly the feeling came to me, after your funeral, that you are so happy where you are. I know you are enjoying being with your mom and dad, but I also know you are busy teaching the gospel. I'm thankful you and dad married each other in the Temple and I'm sealed to you. It is nice to know that I'm just a little link in a great big family. Thank you for teaching me about Jesus Christ. I miss hearing your testimony of his love and mercy. I'm trying to teach my kids the same. How nice it must be for you to get up without your hip or your back or your liver hurting. I'm so happy for you, but I agree with Luke that it sure seems like a long time to have to wait until I will see you again.

Love,
Jess